Undeniable grief

I am not the most sentimental person in the world. It's not that I'm hard-hearted....it's just that 'things' don't necessarily make me or break me, so to speak. My Joshua, on the other hand, is sentimental. He is sensitive and caring. He loves flowers, puppies, kittens and babies. He is very soft-hearted and wears his emotions on his sleeve.

So, I wasn't too terribly surprised at his reaction to what happened in the fishtank while we were at church. We bought the fish on Monday night and since then....every chance we've had, we've sat in front of the tank marvelling at how they interact with each other, calling them by the names the kids gave them and just enjoying the serenity and calmness having fish brings to the house. This morning, one of Daniel's fish--Moonbow--our black molly, died. We're not sure of the cause.....he was swimming around, seemingly fine, then was still.....then finally died. Daniel was OK with the outcome. Joe and I had already set the kids up for the fact that the fish may die in their new environment....there are no guarantees with tropical fish.

But tonight, when we got home from church, Daniel called us over to the tank and what we saw was very difficult to watch. Now, please understand, we know it's just a fish. No biggie there, but this was just sad. One of Josh's fish had part of his under-fin chewed off. We're not sure if one of the larger fish got a hold of it, or if he caught it on something, but it was hard watching him try and swim. He could move in a straight line, but he twisted like a corkscrew. Very sad.

We watched him try and swim for about 20 minutes, then he gave up....laying on the gravel and seemingly trying to catch his breath. He tried swimming again....this time only for a couple of minutes, then he gave up again. He did this two or three more times, finally just stopping and laying down.

What came next is something this blog cannot do justice. Once my Josh realized what was happening to 'Pearl,' he broke down into these gut-wrenching sobs. Unspeakable grief over the loss of his fish. He cried for a long time and at one point when he thought Pearl had finally died, came running into my room almost hysterical. It's hard to sit here and type this without tears coming to my eyes. My boy was so heartbroken and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.

He wanted to stay up until his fish died completely, but I assured him he needed his sleep, so off he went, asking me to wake him when Pearl dies. I tried waking him, but he was content staying in bed.

Pearl and Moonbow are now resting comfortably in a Ziploc bag in the cabinet and tomorrow we'll take them back to Petsmart as they have a two-week money back guarantee, in case of death.

Hopefully, we'll be able to find a fish for Josh that he can learn to 'love' as much as he did Pearl.

What an angel. I love my little man.