"She is so cruel......."

These are the words that came from the mouth of my precious 6th grade son. The sharpest of my children. He's emotional. Strong-willed. Romantic. Whose spirit is being compromised and nearly broken by a teacher he cannot relate to.

It's been a tough 6th grade year for him....as it should be. For a time.

6th grade is difficult. No longer do teachers allow homework to be turned in several weeks late...and not take points off. No longer do teachers stand over the kids....imploring them to get their work done. And give them full credit. No longer do teachers send multiple notices home about events, meetings and opportunities.

No. 6th grade is when students are thrown into the pool and expected to swim. Right away.

Granted, they give the kids some grace at the beginning of the year. Reinforcing good behavior and training them on middle school procedures and expectations. But after a week or so....that's it. They are on their own.

Very little grace. Very little lee-way. And no emotion. And my sweet Joshua is having a hard time with this. We have had several emotional moments this school year. Tears. Pleading to be taken out of her class. Off the team. And out of the school. He wants out. And he can hardly think about anything else.

Of course, he needs to learn responsibility. But that's not what I'm referring to. I'm talking about a lady who doesn't offer a lot of positive feedback. Who doesn't seem very caring.

Last night, it all came out again. The hurt. The anguish. The frustration. The tears. And all I could do was sit and watch. There was nothing I could do for him, but listen. And tell him we were praying. And love him.

He wants to switch schools so badly, he can't stand it. He wants to go with me each day. And while I really have no fundamental problem with that, I want to make sure we are making that choice (should we choose to make it) for the right reasons. I don't want to reinforce to Josh that it's acceptable to run from a situation....just because we're uncomfortable. Sometimes, God wants us to endure such trials, so we are more focused on Him. To refine us. To challenge us in our faith. To teach us to rely fully on Him.

But it grieves me to know he is so unhappy. To hear him say his teacher is 'cruel.' That's a very harsh word. (And I have no doubt Josh knows exactly what that words means). To be miserable going to school. To feel as if he has no freedom in his own skin. To have no proverbial 'wriggle' room.

So, we're praying about this. We want the Lord to be glorified.

We want to be clear in what He wants us to do.

The week where 'Giving it all to the Lord so I don't have to take responsibility for the outcome' became a reality...

Ok...yeah, that title is ridiculously long, but it is more than pertinent to where I am professionally and spiritually.

Our new Pastor, Mel, has truly been a gift from God. A true servant. A more Godly man than I can put into words. Approachable. Has quite the sense of humor. Yet presents the Word of God in such a way that I literally lose track of time....and lose track of myself in God's grace and mercy.

I have been reminded in these last weeks of hearing God's Word that I am truly nothing without Him. As many times as I've tried to bear my own burdens and failed, one would think, by now, I would have learned to plant them firmly at Jesus' feet and let Him take care of them. Yet sometimes, I forget and feel as if I know what's best for me....and worrying somehow seems to be the perfect response....and I need to be in complete control of my own life....

The Lord is using Pastor Mel and his precious Word to begin the refining process. You see, gold will never be perfect or beautiful until it is refined in the fire. The fire removes all of the impurities....causing the precious metal to shine in brilliance, reflecting the image of the person who is doing the refining. My spirit is like that gold.....it needs to be refined. All of the impurities of life....the worry, the regret, the guilt, the frustration, the insecurity, the busyness, and whatever else may be blocking that perfect, pure, love-relationship with God, must be burned out. And once that process is complete...what is left is a perfect reflection of Jesus....My Savior and Lord.

That's what I want. I want whoever looks at me to see Him. I want whoever talks with me to hear the voice of Jesus.

This last week, in our faculty meeting, our Principal discussed several things to us...One of which was the fact that, with two new middle schools opening, more than half of our staff would be displaced and transferred to another school. This transfer process is based solely on seniority, which I knew. And because I am a brand new teacher, I have no rights, so to speak. I knew that, as well. But for some reason, hearing it Thursday afternoon....and facing the reality that I may have to start all over again next school year, in different school, with different co-workers, made me want to cry full-blown Snoopy tears right there in Faculty meeting.

But on the way home, I was reminded of what Pastor Mel told us...."When I don't give everything over to God, I am taking responsibility for its outcome." Ouch! Had I really messed up already? Yeah, I guess I had. By worrying over my placement for next school year, I was essentially telling God He had no idea what He was doing and clearly did not need to be in control of my life.

That reality, and the sinfulness in my thinking, is causing tears to well up in my eyes as I type this.

This refining process is going to be painful. But in order to be more like Jesus, He has to have His way with me. And that means giving up myself and giving Him free reign to do and to act according to His will. This is not going to be an easy road, but I am taking comfort in the fact that God will never allow the intensity of the refining to exceed my ability to bear it.

I am claiming Zechariah 13:9, Malachi 3:2-4, and Psalm 66 today.

Not even sure where to begin...

Here I am....

Sitting at my computer, with the Rays/Red Sox game on the Tube. Trey lying on my bed watching the game and Daniel walking around with the books he checked out of the public library. Julia is watching TV somewhere. Joe and Josh are on the computer playing. My house is comfortable. My home is blessed beyond measure....God is good.

I checked out the date of my last blog entry. July 25. A very long time ago, but yet, only seems like last week. The time, these days, seems to fly by at such a rapid pace, I can barely keep up.

This school year has had its share of ups and downs, both personally and professionally. My children, while now doing well, began the year with a few bumps in the road. My students at school seemed to start the year well and have now decided they don't want to submit to authority and are making bad decisions on a regular basis. All of this keeps me in a running conversation with my Lord. I thank God every day for the ability to just talk to Him. I don't need an appointment. I don't have to worry about His availability. I don't have to worry about whether I'm bugging him with stupid stuff. He just wants to spend time with me. And it's precious.

Now, here we are at October 11. A little more than halfway through my second semester as a student at UGA and exactly halfway into my first semester as a teacher.

Tomorrow is October 12 and it's a very special day for me. You see, on this day 40 years ago, my parents professed their love for one another, promising to stand by each other until death do they part.....and they've kept their covenant with God.

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for your love. For your commitment to each other. And for being the greatest parents in the world. Happy Anniversary!

I wish I could say I will try to keep this blog going, but unfortunately, our lives make it very difficult. We'll see.